In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

Highbrow Genital Jokes

My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully inadequate, that evolution laughs at you and promises that your male offspring will also be cursed with your ridiculous nubbin -- thus dooming your DNA! My genitals are so sweetly intoxicating, I was able to convince Cornel West and Camille Paglia to violently disrobe and vigorously copulate with me in a Chablis-fueled, mind-bending threesome that made the seraphim in paradise blush with a mixture of shame and desire! My genitals are so leviathan that Ahab himself, if he were rendered a non-fictional creature, would surely stand upon his masts crows nest and lob mighty harpoons at me! If the teaming masses were to behold my juggernaut-like genitals, surely Marx's concept of the End of History would be nigh. My genitals are of such behemoth proportions, it is to the world of genitalia what Noam Chomsky is to the study of global activism! My genitals are so mammoth in size, that if inches were words, my member could fill every page of one of Ayn Rand's epic Objectivist tomes! A fine 1997 Chateau-La Cardonne Bordeaux would go well with my robust and flavorful genitals, even after the third helping! My genitals are so bursting with sexual magnetism, I could single-handedly seduce and defile the entire lesbian population of Sarah Lawrence University! My genitals bloat with such passionate force, that upon arousal, I barely have enough epidermis to purse my lips so that I may recite Shelley's immortal poem "Ozymandias"! If Philip Glass wrote an ambient opera in honor of my genitals, the title of the epic collection of random notes and sounds would be "Phantasmagoric Ode To Big Dong Number Five."! Hemingway''''s lost book about my genitals began thusly: "His organ was big." My virility is so profoundly cosmic, that in the event that every human male were to cease to be, my limitless supplies of genetically super-human semen could impregnate the remaining female population, thus siring a perfect race of confident, and impressively endowed men! Tired Freudian references aside - your mother played my mighty skin flute like a surf crowned sea nymph trying to rouse Poseidon from his watery slumber! Kurt Anderson secretly admires the cultural relevancy of my genitals, which have supplied artists and writers alike the inspiration needed to create great American works, and this admiration turned to sour envy when he ignored my zippered muse and wrote that appalling "Turn of the Century" that many have mistakenly referred to as a "novel"! So colossal are my genitals, that they compelled Stephen Hawking to theorize that my sexual gravity is such that a tablespoon of it would weigh more than an entire LA club full of amorous, cocaine-addled, Prada-clad Casanovas! My genitals are comparable to Harvard University’s endowment - both are the largest of their kind, both are institutions that demand the respect of academics and undergraduate trollops, and both cannot be seen or used by anyone of low birth or intelligence, unless they work very hard to prove they are worthy.

Yo Mamma's Glasses....

Your mama''''s glasses are so thick that when she lookes on a map she can see people waving.

Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List

December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows '2000 December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country. New Rules For Employment SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough. YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks: Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02 Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. The Management The President''s Puzzle Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. "What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired. "Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed. "How long did it take you?" "Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!" 12 Shots A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents." Massively Kewl Knock Knock Jokes!!! Knock, knock Who’s there? Sorry, wrong door. Okay. Knock, knock Who’s there? Federal Express Federal Express who? I don’t know. I just deliver packages. Knock, knock Who’s there? Tom. Tom who? Tom Buchanan. Hi Tom. Knock knock Who’s there? Pizza delivery guy. Pizza delivery guy who? You ordered a pizza? Yes. I’m the guy delivering it. Great. Knock knock Who’s there? Susan. Susan who? Susan Caldwell. I’ll be right out, Susan. Knock, knock Who’s there. You might be a redneck if… you think tobacco is a vegetable. You might be a redneck if… you think tobacco is a vegetable who? I thought this was a redneck joke. Nope. It’s a knock, knock joke. Oops. Knock, knock Who’s there? Boo Boo who Don’t get so upset, crybaby! What? Ha! Ha! I made you say “boo-hoo” You’re a real idiot. That wasn’t necessary. Knock knock Who’s there? Creeping penis. Creeping penis who? I’m not crazy, I just need to get off this island. The doctors don’t believe I invented the chocolate éclair. But I did. I’m going to burn them all and drink soup from their skulls! Happy soup! Untie me and I’ll kill you last! Knock, knock Yo mama Yo mama who? Yo mama so fat, she caught a flesh-eating virus and that was three years ago. I bet you’re fat, huh? I’m… You are, aren’t you? Fat! I’m plumpish. Knock, knock Who’s there? FBI! … … Hello? FBI! Let us in! … …nobody here… Oh. Let’s go boys! (Phew!) Knock, knock Who’s there? There’s a dead old woman in your driveway. There’s a dead old woman in your driveway who? No. Seriously. There’s a dead old woman in your driveway. Actually, that’s just my piss-drunk bar slut of a grandmother. She sells toothless mouth love for “mind eraser” shooters at the Tyson’s Mall TGIFriday’s. Let the whore sleep it off. Knock, knock Who’s there? Henry. Henry who? Henry Kissinger. Did you know that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac? I’m not opening the door Henry. Damn. Knock, knock Tremble mortal and despair – it is I, THE ANGEL OF DEATH! Tremble mortal and despair – it is I, THE ANGEL OF DEATH who? Actually, I’m here for Jones in #D1 but I need to take a monster crap and I hate to kill and THEN use the bathroom, you know? Its rude and the other way around, well it ruins my dramatic entrance. So… You want to use my toilet? Yeah? Go right ahead. Got anything to read? Just the crossword. You finished it. Sorry? Hold my scythe. Hey! Don’t forget to light a match. More Massively Kewl Knock Knock Jokes!!! Knock, Knock Who’s there? I know it was you. Crap. Knock, knock Who’s there? A talking pig. Pigs can’t talk. Neither can penguins, but I can’t shut him up! Wait till you get a load of the dancing candelabra… Knock, knock Who’s there? You want to buy a kitten? You want to buy a kitten who? Make pretty pet. I’m allergic to cats. Taste good, too? Knock, knock Who’s there? You sure you don’t want buy a little kitten? Yes, I’m sure. Could make one cute fuzzy glove? Knock, knock Who’s there? Ted Bundy Ted Bundy who? Let me in, meat! No! I mean… Hello I am Santa Claus. Yay! Santa! Knock, knock Who’s there? A Predator drone-launched Hellfire missile. Saddam, I think it’s for you! Knock, knock Who’s there? Gandalf the Gray Wizard, friend to hobbits and elves! Dork-ass loser. Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me! Knock, knock Who’s there? My mouth is full of spiders. My mouth is full of spiders who? I didn’t kill the baby. It was made out of popcorn. Popcorn baby! I need a bucket - my knuckles are melting… Man, you have got to lay off the cough syrup. Knock, knock Who’s there? Hitler Hitler who? Hitler: German, dictator, mass murderer. Little mustache? One testicle? “HEIL ME!” Ring a bell? I thought you were someone else. How is that possible? There is only ONE HITLER! Nope. Went to school with a Nelson Hitler. You’re just trying to annoy me now. Do you really have just one testicle? You’d think I miss it, but I don’t Knock, knock Who’s there? Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. What, and that makes you special? Knock, knock Who’s there? Some. Some who? Some asshole telling you knock, knock jokes. .